Perfect
by Passivity
Summary: Complaints about Dan's partner of choice could lead to quite a harrowing conversation in a public cafe. Shun would definitely never see Runo kissing Alice's cheek in greeting the same way. Ever. AGAIN. -Not Yaoi-


_**A/N:** This is practice since 'Innocence' will have a lot of scenes and dialogues regarding certain things of the sexual kind._

_Rated for language, sexual imagery and the conversation that Shun and Dan are having._

_Seriously, two guys talking about their respective girls? How much of a warning do you need?_

_Not Yaoi. Hell no. _

_Also, I am not explaining what it is they're talking about. If you don't know, then you're better off not knowing. Stay away from my fics if you're below the age of sixteen. I don't care how much experience the generation of today has, you will not read this if you are not of age._

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><p><em><strong>Perfect<strong>_

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><p><em> -00-<em>

_-0-_

"And you know what else? She made me sleep on the floor!"

"The floor… In your living room?" There was a pause, a rather long one as the ebony haired teen contemplated on whether he should forever dub his best friend as an idiot for not doing the obvious or if he should continue to hear his story and help him overcome his relationship issues with a certain teal haired girl… Sad to say that he was getting tired of doing the latter every single week, so demeaning remark it was. "Should I even be surprised that you didn't even think about moving to the couch?" The jab was obvious and was poorly disguised just as Shun had intended.

Insulted and suddenly more irate than ever, a muddy soled shoe found its way on the surface of the small circular table they were occupying and, with one fist pumped into the air, bellowed out his complaint for Shun, and everyone else in the café, to see and hear. And having deduced that that was exactly what his impulsive best friend was going to do, Shun wasted no time pulling the collars of his jacket up to his face to avoid recognition. "I would have, but Runo had it thrown out to make room for when she does her aerobic exercises! Now I have to go get a dining chair each and every time I want to watch TV!"

Embarrassed and incredibly regretful for choosing such a public place to listen to Dan's woes, the collars of Shun's jacket rode up higher to cover more of his face from the viewing public. He raised his head and ochre eyes found themselves glaring at the brunette who was now currently posed like a heavily stereotyped, airheaded teenager of their age group. "Damn it, Dan! Would you sit back d-!"

And in true Daniel Kuso fashion, he was interrupted by the when the brunette brought his foot on the table up before bringing it down again, causing a glass of iced tea placed precariously close to the edge to topple over, spill its contents onto the table's glossed wood surface, before ultimately rolling over the edge and breaking into what looked like thousand of glistening and jagged pieces. "And you know what else? She replaced all the meat in the fridge with vegetables! Well, not all of them. But still a good portion of what I eat in a single day!"

"Dan Kuso I swear if you don't get the hell down fro-!"

"And she even compared me to you and said that I should exercise more to get your washboard abs!"

"…"

"That's right! She even pulled out a picture of you working-out **shirtless** just to show me what kind of abs she was talking about! Hell, I don't even know where she got** that** from!"

"… A what?"

By now, Shun was completely mortified by Dan's confessions, and incredibly horrified of the knowledge that his best friend's girlfriend kept a half naked picture of him in her possession. He wondered just how he would break it to Alice that the girl she happens to consider as **her** best friend was admiring his physique. He practically shuddered at the thought of the many possible reactions that he would get from her. Majority of them were far from pleasing ones and, honestly, most of the threats that the sweet, angel of a girl usually left him terrified. So unlike when she would leave him with promises of sweet, intoxicating delights that just left him agog and frustrated.

His elbow found the table, and face found its way to his open palm as he laid it there to fight off the migraine that was threatening to overtake him.

Come to think of it, he knew better ways of passing his time than playing counselor to someone who didn't even give much room for him to offer a solution. These _'better ways'_ happened to involve scenarios him and the certain redhead who was wearing one of his loose white shirts and too short shorts that exposed was exposing her shapely legs before he'd left his apartment this afternoon. He could be enjoying his day, but no. Here he was, listening to his childhood confidant bitch and moan about how horrible of a witch Runo was when he could be at home listening to Alice's instead.

"Shun." He could just remember the way she drawled out his name before he got out of the door. The vivid image that he saw of her curled up on their couch, her exposed legs up with her knees close to her body, her arms pressing a pillow against her bosom and his loose shirt sliding down her shoulders in a manner so seductive that it had him stuck where he was standing. "Come back quickly, okay~?"

The way she giggled like the little nymph that she was and cuddled the pillow closer to her had almost done him in that time and he was just about ready to jump her right then and there if it weren't for the fact that his mobile phone rang just in time to snap him out of his daze. Dan always knew when the best time to interrupt was.

Just like now, for example. Dan's face was leaning a little too far into his comfort zone. In other words, a little more and one would mistake them for being homosexuals.

"Earth to Shun, helloooo?" Though he did not like the fact that another guy was intruding in on his personal space, he was glad that Dan had finally decided to take his foot off of the table and finally settle it back down on the floor where it belonged.

… He still did not take well to being stared at though.

"Dan…"

"Yeah?"

"You either sit your ass back down on that chair or my fist will say hello to your tongue right after it **knocks** once on your teeth." There was an emphasis on the knocking on teeth part which was enough to make the brunette withdraw.

Knowing that the ebony haired teen did not make empty threats, Dan found himself plopping back down onto the soft seat cushion of the café's dining chair. Bored and finally having his fill of antagonizing Runo for the day, he leans back against the chair and frowns. His relationship with the teal haired girl took more out of him than any other fight that he's ever been in.

Hell, she was a confusing little she-devil that wanted this and that one moment and something completely different the next.

In other words, she was a total bitch.

He looked at his best friend in front of him who was currently engaged in apologizing to the waiter that was given the unfortunate task of cleaning the mess that was their table and the iced tea that Dan had unintentionally spilled on the floor. He stares and he wonders, wonders with a great deal of curiosity how.

"How do you do it Shun?" The sudden gentleness in the tone of the usually brash teen caught him off guard.

"Pardon?"

"How do you do it? You know, live through a single day with a girl. With Alice?"

"…"

Shun could only look at him like he'd just asked the most idiotic question in history of mankind, which he had. The waiter that had previously dealt with the mess just quietly snickered away.

"Dan…" He sighed dramatically, putting his elbows onto the table in front of him, looked down at the floor for a short second before turning his head to look at Dan again. He raised a brow and pursed his lips before speaking in a tone of voice that he only used when Dan was being a complete idiot or a royal pain in the ass. "Seriously? Like seriously, Dan… **That** is the dumbest question that I've ever heard coming out of that mouth of yours. It practically trumps the _'How do I know you're not a girl'_ one that you asked me when we were still kids sharing the same bathtub.… "

"It is not! Come on man, just answer it!" Dan retorted, horrified at being reminded of that incident.

"Why the hell would I answer a stupid question that has an obvious answer?"

"It's because I'm your best friend!" Dan stood up and his knuckles hit the table.

Shun did the same, albeit one that was a little less damaging to the café's, he instead slammed his palms against the lacquered table. "It's because you're stupid enough not to see who you're trying to compare to whom here!"

Once again, the two males were in each others' faces. They were practically snarling as one or the other refused to back down. Their audience looked absolutely dumbfounded at the sudden outbursts, some actually feeling a little irked by the scene they were making and commenting on how teen hormones were bringing out the worst of that year's generation. Dan was the first to give on their impromptu staring contest.

"They're both girls and mine happens to drive me up the wall, literally sometimes! I just want to know how you deal with Alice when she gets like that-!"

"Okay, first off, Dan… That is a stupid conclusion and two, I have never seen Alice become anything like that troll of a girl of yours… She gets a little moody on certain days of each month but that's completely natural!" Shun confessed the last sentence a bit too loudly, mortifying him and causing his face to flush red. No one needed to know that.

"But Runo's like that every day!"

"How is that my problem?"

"It's not, but you're supposed to be helping me do something about it! Come on man, just tell me what I have to for her to- You know, be all sweet, gentle and stuff…"

A heavy sigh escaped Shun's lips as he massaged his temple. Dan was getting on his nerves and he had a gut feeling that their conversation would just delve into the very territory that he would not touch with a ten foot pole around Dan. But he just had to especially when he looked so worked up over something like this.

The negative repercussions that he might face in the future for not helping the brunette seemed far worse than to be subjected to the fate of having such an embarrassing conversation out in public.

But he had to understand, comparing Alice to Runo was like comparing oil with water. You can see the difference clear as day.

"Dan, I don't know how to tell you this but…"

"But?"

"There's really no hope of that happening."

"Aww come on!"

Shun shot an accusing finger at Dan as if reprimanding him for even thinking that there was hope. "No Dan! Okay, fuck you and your little love problems with Runo! You know why I can't help you? It's because this is how I compare them both."

He raised a finger and pushed it towards Dan's face, indication the 'first' of many comparisons that he would make. "Alice is sweet, gentle and so devilishly seductive and innocent at times that it's frustrating. Runo is a monster that will kick your ass if you ever dare to describe her with those words."

"You? Get frustrated? You get it on with her more times than Billy does Julie, and that's saying something."

"That's not the point and don't you ever compare us to those two!"

In reflex, the brunette raised his arms up to defend himself. "Alright, aright, sheesh!" To which, Shun replied by holding up two fingers to indicate the second comparison.

"Alice loves to cook, clean and arrange things. I can cook so we take turns, I don't leave my messes everywhere, I'm not a slob and I don't eat junk food. So that's less of a mess in our apartment and I'm just as obsessive in arranging my shuriken collection as she is in arranging every book in our apartment. Alphabetically."

"What are you trying to-?"

"You, Daniel Kuso, are a slob. You leave your mess like a dog leaves its crap on the side walk. You can't cook and you eat like there's no tomorrow. You don't even pick up after yourself. So why do you think Runo loves to hit you with a broom, a mop, and a spatula so much? And don't you dare give me that 'because she's a bitch' excuse!"

Surprisingly, Dan was left speechless with that one. If it was because it was the truth or something else, Shun didn't know. He wanted to kick him so damn much for that but he held back and continued.

"Alice loves to cuddle with her arms around my waist, not her hands around my neck. I don't snore so that gives her no reason to shut me up in the middle of the night. There are no teeth involved when she kisses me, and when intimacy's involved, Alice bites the sheets and, or, pillows. I'm guessing Runo would bite your head, and I don't mean the one on your shoulders, and-."

"How'd you know?"

…

The sudden interruption left Shun aghast… And disgusted.

"W-. T-that was a joke Dan, I didn't-!"

"I'm not joking! She actually bit down on 'it'!"

"… What?"

"Remember that one time when I woke you up at Four in the morning practically begging you to get me to a hospital and you opted to call an ambulance for me instead…?"

"… Yeah?"

"That's when it happened… The doctor couldn't even stop laughing while telling me not to get _'excited'_ for at least a week and that I have to get one _'regularly'_ if I didn't want it to hurt like hell when it's healed…"

"…" Shun's mouth hung open, the rest of the men in the café who could hear their conversation did the same. Shocked to no end by what he had just heard coming for his best friend. How the guy still stayed with her even after almost getting his joystick bit off was a miracle and, even though he had yet to experience something similar, there was an inkling kind of pain heading for the direction of his groin.

Shun was never going to see Runo kissing Alice's cheek in greeting the same way ever again.

"… Okay…" He said, nearly breathless. Before pushing away from Dan and the table altogether. "I'm out." He stood up, set his share of the bill on the table before turning and heading for the door, leaving a confused Dan to wonder if he actually had enough money to add for the bill.

_-0-_

Dan felt like shit by the time he got home. Shun wouldn't answer his call and he was dreading what kind of nightmare he'd face by the time he got back.

Would Runo kill him?

Would she kick him out for being gone for the whole day?

He honestly didn't know.

He feared the worst by the time that their front door gave out that eerie wail.

A dark room.

No angered shrieks coming from Runo the devil princess herself.

"Oh shit."

Carefully tiptoeing inside, he turned to every corner just to see if there was anyone hiding in the shadows. He felt up the wall, looking desperately for a switch that would bring light upon the darkness he was treading. He found them, but the light never came. Swallowing his own saliva, he looked around for another alternative, only to find that the only light source present was the light in the kitchen.

The territory of the beast woman herself.

…

He was not going in there, Dan pledged to himself as his knees almost caved in under him. No way. No goddamn way. No way… No fucking w-!

As if on cue, he heard a noise, something that sounded like light scratching and he immediately dashed for the lit room. He rammed through the door with his shoulder, his legs giving out from below him, forcing him to spin and flip along the floor before properly righting himself and holding his arms up in front of him in a stance that would make Jackie Chan laugh. "Ha!"

…

…

"Eh-?"

Empty.

The kitchen was empty.

He was confused. He really expected to see Runo coming at him with a knife, not an empty kitchen without a teal haired woman looming over him like a god of death awaiting his end.

He was scratching the back of his neck by the time that he noticed something lying on the kitchen counter. He approached, carefully, just in case it was a trap.

It was his Nerf N-Strike Maverick REV-6, and it had a note attached to its barrel.

'_This gun with ammo is yours._

_I have one too._

_And, as of this moment, __**you **__are under attack._

_Love, Runo.'_

Forgetting his earlier ire towards the girl, Dan practically gleamed with joy as he picked up his toy and headed out into the living room to begin the chase.

Runo might not be the sweetest, she might not be the best, she might threaten to kill him on several occasions and cause him unimaginable pain on a daily basis and she might not be the ideal girl.

But she was the perfect girl for him.

"Game on, Runo!"

How unfortunate that he didn't foresee Runo's weapon of choice being a SIG-Sauer P226 replica airsoft gun.

_-00-_

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><p><em><strong>Written-Sin:<strong> In my headcanon, by the time they reach a certain age, these guys would've moved out of their parents' houses and would be living off on their own. Also, I can imagine their friendship would last for a long time no matter how much they'd end up getting on each other's nerves._

_Review Please._


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